Bruce BassiGiving Effective Instructions and Commands to Your Child
Some parents who mean well can become extremely frustrated with a child resulting in a worsening problem. When a child stops listening or acts out toward a parent, the parent is left exasperated and easily resorts to yelling. To a child, the yelling itself is nonspecific and full of emotion— two things that the child doesn’t know how to handle. The parent doesn’t get what they want either.
As hard as it may be, it is necessary to see the situation from your child’s point of view. They do not see the world like you do. They might not understand or care about a situation the way you do. How should you give commands? First move close to your child and make sure your body language matches your verbal communication; have a stern facial expression. Say his or her name to obtain their attention and then maintain eye contact. With a firm tone of voice, use a direct, simple and clear command.
Commands should be….
Developmentally Appropriate: Make sure that the child is able to understand and perform the task you are requesting. For example, a four year old might have trouble putting sheets on the bed, dress themselves, or help with dinner chores.
In a neutral and polite tone: Be respectful and use a neutral tone of voice instead of yelling or pleading. Say “please come sit with me,” instead of “sit here, NOW!!”
Be direct and specific: Use direct commands rather than indirect suggestions. For example, instead of “How about maybe standing in the queue?” Say, “Please stand in line.” Avoid commands that are nonspecific such as “Be good” or “clean the room” and instead say “Please use your indoor voice,” or “Please put the trucks away in the drawer.”
Positively stated: Tell the child what to do instead of what not to do. Avoid negative terms such as “Quit, no, dont, stop.” These might cause the child to act more negatively. For example, say “please stand here and hold my hand,” instead of “Quit running!” Say “please get down from the chair” instead of “dont climb on the chair.”
Individual rather than compound: Give one command at a time rather than a string of multiple. Younger children have more difficulty remembering more than one or two commands. After each step, praise compliance.
Give choices: When two behaviors are appropriate, give choices at the child’s developmental level to give the child a sense of individuality and autonomy. Neither adults nor children like to be told what to do constantly. For example, “please sit in this chair or on the carpet.”
Limit explanations: Try, “We are going to the store. Please put on your shoes.” Instead of “Put your shoes on.” “Why?” “Because we need to get ready to go.” “I want to finish.” “I said put your shoes on now!” Children who ask for explanations are more interested in stalling than knowing the answer.
When a child is constantly being told what to do, it makes it more difficult for the child to stratify the seriousness of certain behaviors. If you received the same punishment for a parking ticket as you did for assault, you would feel the same way. A parent needs to this to a child by “choosing your battles.” Some behaviors can be ignored; you can use ignoring as a tool to decrease attention-seeking behavior. For example, interrupting, baby talk, sulking, arguing, bragging, whining are some behaviors that can be ignored. For slightly worse behaviors, you can use ‘active ignoring’ by turning slightly away until the child stops then say something with enthusiasm “I am so glad you want to work on your project again, I love the picture you drew.”
Resist the temptation to over-explain: As mentioned earlier, the child is more interested in stalling rather than having an informed conversation with you. Be a ‘Broken Record’ as a tool to continue to give polite, neutral, direct, positive commands.
Adult: Please hand me the book.
Child: I have to finish coloring.
Adult: Please hand me the book.
Child: But my tummy hurts.
Adult: Please hand me the book.
Child: hands adult the book
Adult: Thank you so much for doing what I told you to do.
To better connect with your teenager, remember three Q’s: Quash the need to lead, Quit unnecessary information questions and tone of voice questions, and Quiet the criticisms.
Quash the need to lead: For example avoid “Talk to me” or “Look at me when Im talking to you”
These statements take away the teens ability to lead. These are hidden directions and convey the adult expects compliance, and if the teen doesnt follow that there will be conflict.
Quit the unnecessary questions: For example avoid “How was school today?” or “What are you making” As these tend to lead the conversation; have your teen lead the conversation.
Quit the tone of voice questions: Example Teen: “Im going to my room.” Adult: “You’re going to your room?” Sounds like you aren’t listening or you disagree with the idea.
Quiet the criticisms: Such as, “quit whistling!, that wasnt nice. Stop crying! Those books dont go there.” As negative talk will increase negative behavior. This will also create friction. Instead, use praise, paraphrasing, or point out behavior techniques.
